This week I have been trying to work my way through a particularly intense scene in my new book, ‘Neon Lights’, and have found it extremely tough going. It involves the main character – a detective by the name of Sebastian Kessler- attempting to face up to a drug problem which has its claws in every aspect of his life. It’s an extremely harrowing scene which I have gone over in my head what feels like a million times – typed and retyped it out on the computer, I have even changed my tools when I still was not happy with it and selected a variety of pens and notebooks and given it a go…..however, still I was not satisfied with it. Between all this writing I have continued to think about the scene – morning, noon and night – at work, while I was with my family, while at a friend’s wedding and the six hour trip (that is six hours driving there and six hours back) that surrounded that celebration – all this time spent obsessing over this one damn scene! Finally, yesterday, tired and worn out from going over the same images, prose, conversations and motives…it came to me and the chapter flowed like the bursting of a damn. So here I am, that week is over and I am left to reflect on the what’s why’s where’s and when’s of what all the fuss was about……
Addictions
I feel the scene began to reflect real life. Kessler, my flawed hero, is so focused on doing anything just to get through the day, trying his best to keep his small world afloat. Yes, ok – he lives on Dis, an extremely dangerous city where his life (and any of the billions living in that toxic environment) are in danger at any given time – excuse me for using a cliché but it’s true, life is cheap in the world of Sebastian Kessler – and although Belfast and Northern Ireland have had their moments, my problems are not as dramatic as his. However, I, like anyone living in this modern world, can certainly understand addictions. Kessler has his drink and drug problems but we are living in an increasingly obsessive society. These addictions can range from anything – from cleaning and exercise to online gaming or smoking – all our addictions no matter how small or big – touch our lives in some way. My addiction (or one of them…)is writing. I realised last week that I became obsessed with finishing the scene and, as a result, I became stubborn to the point where I could not see the wood from the trees as they say – I laugh about it now but I really should have taken my partner’s advice and walked away from that particular chapter – taken a break from writing as it was stressing me out – or even started on another part of the story…..no chance though – once I set myself a target – especially when scribing – I have to see it through – I am addicted to writing and although it can be a painful process at times (sorry Lilly – you are amazing for putting up with my stubborn obsession!) I accept the fact that I just have to write, it is my cross that I have to bear. But hey – we all know it is worth it for that ‘eureka’ moment when it all comes together!
Time
In ‘Neon Lights’, as in my first book, ‘City of Darkness’, Kessler is pushed for time. He has barely a minute to stand still and rest as the fast paced plot pulls him along at break neck speed and this is reflected in the world in which we live. In this media and technology driven society we citizens (especially in the Western World) are being exposed to so much from the comfort of their own homes – T.V, smart phones, the internet, – all firing out adverts, films, information that exposes us to a full range of images and emotions and all at our finger tips to watch, read, absorb, sign up to, purchase and obsess over. Gone are the times where you could sit on a rocking chair on the front porch and watch the world go by without so much as a ring, beep or buzz to tell you that you are needed elsewhere. And trust me – I tried to get that dream. I worked in London for a number of years as a Secondary School English Teacher and a while ago I left that beautiful city (for I do love London) to seek a quieter life in a small town right by the Irish coast in Northern Ireland, where I spent most of my teenage years growing up. However, I was fooling myself, life is just as hectic. We live in a moment where time is more precious than ever – and I must always remember to keep some of it for those close to my heart (not just my addiction to writing!) – So, get ready for another cliché – work life balance is important, I suppose that is why it has turned into a cliché in the first place…..
Perspective
Finally – reflecting on last week has given me some perspective – that wider picture that allows you to put things in their correct place and wonder – ‘how did I get myself in such a mess in the first place.’ Perspective is important, especially if you are in something for the long term – as I am with my writing. My final cliché of the week is – nothing that is broken cannot be fixed – I must remember to tell myself, if ever I get writer’s block, struggle with a scene, or feel burned out, to put things in perspective and remember that most problems are not that big a deal. Only problem is…a leopard cannot change its spots (ok, so that definitely was the last cliché….) and like my flawed detective I cannot avoid my burning obsession that is to write, write and write and, I am afraid, I will always fly towards that flame…..
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